Just like that…everything is different

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Jamie and MattI’m going through one of those times when life just doesn’t seem to make sense. It is unfair and heartless and I wish that I could revert back to a much younger age when it’s more appropriate to throw myself on the floor and take out my anger through a tantrum. I feel lost. I feel heartbroken. And I have no idea how to get any relief from this pain.

Whenever I am amidst a tragedy, I hate doing something “normal”, like grocery shopping. My mother died the day before her 50th birthday and we had already planned a tea party (by her request) to celebrate. Invites were accepted and friends had cleared their busy schedules to be there with my mom. After her death, my sisters and I decided to continue with the party and celebrate my mom’s life along with her birthday. We went to the grocery store to do the necessary shopping and I still remember standing in the produce department looking around me and getting angry that everyone was just carrying on with their lives while my heart was destroyed. I know that this is a somewhat crazy and definitely irrational response, but I just can’t help it. I’ve noticed this reaction every single time something life shattering happened to me. That’s when I know how severely I’ve been affected, at that moment of anger.

This weekend I was forced into the store again and as I was making my way through the aisle, listening to the general movement of a group of shoppers, it hit me again. And again I was angry. Everyone seemed so happy, enjoying the weather, making the most of their Sunday, and I stood there feeling broken, alone, and miserable. Some things just don’t make sense. Bad things happen to good, deserving people. No one and nothing can be of comfort.

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